entry 002
february wasn’t something i lived– it was something i survived, every year the thoughts were the same; i’m scared, and just want this season to be over
i coped by trying to control it, bracing for the worst, and convincing myself that if I avoided it enough, it wouldn’t affect me, in reality, i was shutting down
but slowly the way i responded to my thoughts changed, i started taking it day by day, pausing before reacting, and choosing to respond with intention
and that made the season less overwhelming and more manageable
01 – permission to feel
i spent the month avoiding every feeling, but pretending i was unaffected by the season didn’t make it any easier
so, instead of trying to control how i felt, i started to allow myself to feel whatever the season brought up
it started by noticing the moments when i tried to ignore, judge, or talk myself out of feeling something
in those moments i’d pause and tell myself something like, “i’m allowed to feel this,” or “i don’t have to ignore this”
there was no specific affirmation i repeated– just the first thing came to mind
even after doing this i’d still get scared to actually sit with the feeling– sometimes i pushed them away, other times i stayed with with it
but, the goal was never to force myself to feel every emotion when it came up,
simply acknowledging the feeling and making a conscious choice instead of defaulting to avoidance made the season feel more manageable — and that alone was enough
02 – revisiting the past
i pushed away anything connected to the past, because i believed revisiting it would only make things harder. (…if i didn’t think about it, then it couldn’t affect me.)
no matter how hard i tried, the past still found its way in — usually triggered by something small, and each time it did, i felt completely out of control
so i started intentionally thinking about the past, sitting with it on my terms instead of only when something triggered it
i would take a moment to consider what would happen if i actually let myself think about it
i’d asked myself questions like:
- how will this make me feel?
- am i afraid of the memory itself or how it might make me feel?
- why am i trying to avoid it?
and after considering these questions, i would make a decision: to face it or not to
when i did decide to face one, i would create an environment that felt safe and grounded by,
- lighting a candle,
- listening to my favorite playlist,
- or drawing
anything that reminded me i was safe,
sometimes the better decision was to protect myself from what it might bring up, which wasn’t a failure
the goal wasn’t to sit with every memory; but to choose when to engage with it and understand why
for the first time, the season no longer felt like something I had to brace myself for,
because i was no longer at the mercy of my memories
03 – past and present coexisting
for a long time, i felt like because of what happened in the past this season had to feel heavy, so the lighter moments or the progress i made didn’t make a difference
i thought if anticipated the season to be equally as hard every year, then the pain would be less intense
but the pasts’ pain doesn’t have to carry forward, even if the season is still sore
i started to believe that the past no longer determined how i was allowed to experience this season
a big part of this was learning that these two realities can be true at the same time without negating one another:
- that a good moment didn’t mean i was ignoring the past, suddenly healed, or untriggered
- and that having a hard moment didn’t mean i was reliving the past or that the entire day was ruined
this didn’t mean that they both (the past and present) have to affect me the same
rather than, they both can affect me at the same time, in different ways
in conclusion
these shifts changed my default response to the familiar thoughts of fear and anxiety the season brought, but these shifts didn’t happen linearly or instantly,
they weren’t “steps” i learned or found on pinterest, but a messy process, i definitely didn’t always get it right,
through practice and repetition, these mindset shifts became a simply daily way of managing a difficult season of my life
