entry 001
for 6 years, february and valentine’s season have been clouded by the past—
not because of love or heartbreak, but because this time of year holds memories from a chapter of my life that was really painful
and it completely reshaped how this season feels for me
what february feels like
every january i mentally and emotionally braced for the month ahead
i tried to anticipate what feelings might come up, what might trigger me, and what i needed to avoid—
all in preparation to keep myself together, not feel anything, and not think about the past
but i always anticipated the worst,
that i would have endless breakdowns, everything would trigger me, and this would be the year i just wouldn’t make it through
and all it did was make it feel like it was already happening,
i felt anxious before there was anything to react to, and overwhelmed by just the thought of valentine’s day before it even arrived
and then it all came to a head when the world around me began celebrating
store aisles flooded with valentine’s day candy, teddy bears, and chocolate
social media trended with galentines plans, anti-valentine’s day sentiments, couple outings—
reminders everywhere of the season
and before i could ever truly feel “prepared,” the hardest parts were already here
me v. the world
one of the hardest parts of february was carrying heavy memories and emotions of the past that returned each season—
while the world around me felt ready to celebrate
i felt so isolated, like i was moving through a completely different reality than everyone else
so i kept this weight to myself,
because i didn’t want to bring anyone else down with my baggage
this added another thing to manage, that i had to appear composed and neutral for their sake too, not just my own
every year i felt like this, carrying the heaviness of the past and feeling so alone, all while trying to appear okay for myself and everyone else
seasonal betrayal
the second hardest part was less about objects or people, and more about the season itself
around valentine’s day, the focus becomes all about connection, relationships, and love
but this season intended to bring people together is when i felt the worst
i couldn’t bring myself to participate in themed events, join friends’ conversations, or even do small seasonal activities, like decorating a heart-shaped cookie
i felt so betrayed by the entire season—
what it stood for, how it was celebrated, everything
this feeling showed up in different ways:
- anger at what i experienced
- hurt toward those who celebrated
- resentment toward the season itself
it truly felt like no one cared, or could understand why i just couldn’t do any of these things
so, what?
i begin the series this way because i know what it feels like when this season makes everything harder
i share my experience so someone out there can feel seen, heard,
and less alone in the noise, the emotions, and the anticipation
the next two entries will focus on what i’ve learned over the past six years of navigating this season—
reflections and strategies that helped me get through it
if this resonates with you even a little, i hope you’ll stay for the rest of the series
